today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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