I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
