Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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