Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
