I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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