the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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