i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
