saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
