And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
