Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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