when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
