Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
