I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
