She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
