I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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