man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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