Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At least life still wants to fuck me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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