It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
