He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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