I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Less talking, more tequila
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
