That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
