I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
