if i can run in heels then i can drive
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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