I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
