So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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