His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize