I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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