maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
