sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
