We won't sleep together?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
