You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
