i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
