how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
