I heard we made out
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
