Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
