Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
