I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
