dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
