youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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