this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
