Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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