there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
