i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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