I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
