The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
