I accidentally had phone sex last night
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
