i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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