Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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