Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize