I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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