God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
