I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize