I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
