she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
