Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
