I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize