Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
