Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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